How can we begin to address the losses caused by the pandemic, which have plunged many into grief and affected our physical and mental health? The insights gained twenty years ago from our collective grief point the way to healing.
The news came in a text message. That’s how Cendras mcgowan-Vác, a chicago-area family doctor, learned that her husband of 12 years, Steven, was about to be put on a ventilator.
Their last conversation in the spring of 2020 was a brief“I love you” exchange. He died of the disease a week after his own mother died of Covid-19.
How do you begin to deal with this loss?
Mcgowan-Vác says she didn’t deal with her grief at first. Instead, she went through daily life, engaged in her medical practice, and kept her 12-year-old daughter’s life in balance.
In the first months after Stephen’s death, she struggled with her emotions. She mourned not only his passing, but all the“Firsts” without him-all the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries they could have shared. Only recently has reality settled and he is not coming back.
Mcgowan-Vác was surprised that she finally found solace in the Sisterhood of the two women she met through a Facebook support group. Their husband also died in COVID-19 at the same hospital in the Chicago area. Now, the two women chat or text each day to celebrate milestones together.
“When you wake up in the middle of the night and your people aren’t there, nobody else will understand,” mcgowan-Vác told health. But her“Sisters” understood. “We love each other and make our journey easier.”
There is no story that captures what it is like to grieve collectively as a person or as a nation. It is this patchwork of experiences that helps us understand the complex role grief plays in our lives. With footage of the COVID-19 pandemic and the 9/11 attacks nearly 20 years ago, researchers have a new understanding of how we mourn in the United states-and the consensus seems to be that it’s messier than we thought.
More than 50 years after psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-roth described the five stages of grief (which begin with denial and end with acceptance) , many experts now agree, grief does not scoop out in predictable parts. It strikes us at different times and in different ways, affecting our mental, emotional and physical health.
Here’s what experts know about the complexity of grief through the eyes of people who have experienced loss, and advice for dealing with loss in your life.
Acute grief comes first, and it’s the most painful kind
Grief is“The normal process of reacting to loss,” according to the National Library of Medicine. It is not a state of being or a single event; it is a journey.
“Loss” can mean many different things, says Lucy Horn, ph.d. , author of grit and grit. Looking for strength and embracing life after changing everything, she told health. “We fell in love with people, pets, projects and possessions,” she said. Every cut-off attachment leaves us feeling powerless. However, humans have an extraordinary ability to withstand loss, no matter how painful it may be, she added.
During a bereavement, different types of grief tend to strike at different times. For example, immediately after death or loss of a relationship, you enter an acute phase of grief, longing for the person who is no longer in your life, and trying to cope with the emotions that accompany it, from anger and guilt to disbelief. Over time, you begin to accept losses and adapt. The violent throbbing of grief extended beyond.
On the morning of 11 September 2001, miosotis-santiago was late for work as an administrative assistant in one World Trade Center. Her FIANCÃ © , Andrew Edson Arantes do Nascimento, a security chief, is on the 93rd floor. It wasn’t his normal job, but he arrived early that day so a colleague who was expecting a baby could make an appointment for their partner’s ultrasound.
As Santiago emerged from the subway below, a deafening noise rang out from above. A Port Authority officer grabbed her as she walked into the building. “My fiancé is up there! I need to find him. I need to find him,” she protested.
She waited for him all night — and cried. She tried to contact him on his mobile phone but got no answer hundreds of times. Andrew never came home.
Her deep grief finally subsided. Today, Santiago, a motivational speaker and author of the memoir“God’s Diamond,” tells health magazine, “I am committed to turning my pain into a goal.” However, on Sept. 11, every year, images of burning towers flash on television. “It’s like I’m reliving it,” she said. Rewinding the scrolls in her mind, she recalls seeing tower one burn and reflects on Andrew’s fate.
Where is he? Is He looking for me? Did he jump?
A triggering event can cause you to fall back into grief
Even if the acute phase of grief seems to have passed and the emotions surrounding loss become less intense, the deep bereavement that follows a triggering event may again roar, as San Diego says, it happens to her every year on 9/11. Experts call it a“Memorial day reaction”, a throwback to the intense emotions one feels for the first time since losing a loved one. It is not always associated with a date, but can be triggered by a sight, sound, or smell. For some front-line health care workers fighting to save the lives of COVID patients, even a poster thanking them can evoke strong emotions.
September 11 was not an easy day for Ashley Bussmann. Twenty years ago, as she sat in her high school English class, students began to whisper that a plane had flown into the twin towers. Forty-eight hours later, her father, who worked for Cantor Fitzgerald on the 101st floor of Beita District, was clearly not coming home. The media attention and the country’s collective grief have not been easy for the 16-year-old, who is eager to lead a normal life,” she told health. “I want to suppress my feelings and move on. But 9/11 is everywhere, and people either ask her questions or share where they’ve been and all the emotions they’ve felt.
Even today, “Everyone has an opinion,” says Bussmann, author of the memoir, “Chasing Butterflies.”. “If I’m happy or enjoying myself, people think I don’t care or I don’t think about my father,” says Bussmann, author of “The Real Story of a 9/11 daughter.”. If I was sad, people would say, ‘but it’s been 20 years! ‘ “Her message.” Sometimes it’s okay to cry… … but it’s also important to move on and overcome the difficulties.”
Some people are trapped in their grief. It is estimated that 15 per cent of people are still unable to move within six months of losing a loved one. This is often misdiagnosed as depression, known as chronic grief disorder (PGD-RRB- . Women are more likely than men to develop PGD and are at higher risk if your loved one dies unexpectedly or violently.
Sadness is often described as a feeling of“Heartbreak,” and it turns out that it does have a heart function. As part of the stress response to bereavement, the release of hormones and neurochemicals causes an increase in heart rate and blood pressure. The stress of losing a partner can even lead to a condition called“Broken heart syndrome”. According to the American Heart Association, this means that part of your heart temporarily expands and doesn’t pump blood well, while the rest of your heart functions normally or has stronger contractions. The symptoms of broken heart syndrome are similar to those of a heart attack, but it is usually treatable.
Sadness also leaves traces in the brain. After the loss of a loved one, the areas of the brain that process strong emotions and memories slow down. That may be why many sad people say they feel distracted, foggy and almost zombie-like, especially in the early days.
For most of us, this physical change tends to fade over time, and so does the intensity of our grief, becoming“Mixed grief.” Dr. Catherine Chelles, founder and director of the Center for Complex Grief at Columbia University in New York City, told health.
“We don’t want to think of grief as being intense for the rest of our lives. It usually doesn’t,” explains Dr Chelles, “It quiets down, softens and gets into the background.” This is what grief and loss coach Hopp Edelmann calls “After grief”. She coined the term to describe the period“When the strongest response to loss begins to subside.”. It“Extends almost to the rest of our lives,” says Edelman, author of after grief. Edelman, author of“After grief: Finding Your Way along the long arc of loss,” told health.
“Fuzzy” losses are also difficult to deal with
Although we equate grief with death, it can be caused by any loss that shakes your life in significant ways, from divorce to layoffs to chronic illnesses that leave you without a body part or function, go To Your Kids’ College. Even if you don’t know anyone who died from Covid, you have reason to grieve for your pre-pandemic lifestyle. Many people’s jobs have changed; the ease with which we travel or socialize has largely disappeared.
In fact, there is a term for this grief: the loss of ambiguity, or the loss of the ultimate result of death or of a true end, which may make it more difficult for the grieving process to begin. This is the kind of loss that societies experience during pandemics, says Borin Bost, ph.d. , author of “The loss of ambiguity.”. Borin Bost, ph.d. , Emeritus Professor of family and social sciences at the University of Minnesota and author of vague loss: learning to live with unresolved grief, told health.
“We lose trust in the world, we lose the ability to actually get along with our friends, we lose our routines,” Bost said. “These are not real deaths, but they are serious losses of control over our own lives. This uncertainty is going to cause a lot of pain.”
When Anna Langue of Kansas City, Mo. , became a new mother on the eve of the pandemic, she suffered a vague loss. When she felt comfortable enough to take her son out to play, Covid came. “Being home with the kids is not the mother I thought it would be,” she told health, it makes me nostalgic for the way things used to be. “I miss going places without an appointment, going into stores without a mask, people not arguing about vaccines or other COVID agreements online.”
As a result, Langue’s anxiety has escalated. “I feel guilty about relaxing or enjoying things because so many [ people ] are suffering,” she says. She said: “I feel guilty about my health because I know people of my age are now permanently on oxygen because of complications from Covid.”. Our city has just resumed their mask mission, and I know it’s the safest, but I’m also frustrated because I just want to go back to my life before the pandemic.”
There is resilience after grief
More than eight months have passed since palliative care nurse Valery Villegas lost her husband, Robert, to COVID, and she is still grieving. Losing her husband, a former MMA fighter in good health, was a blow. Now, as a single parent, the Portland, Texas, mother is responsible for paying for the house, competing for day care, and maintaining her family. She was not only mourning her husband, but also her less complicated life before the pandemic. In that sense, her grief“Is harder to deal with now,” she told health.
So, what’s the way forward?
“Even in our darkest days, we can make small choices that will help us get through,” Horn said. “They won’t take away the pain of loss, but they will help you steadily re-learn to live in the world.”
Support is vital, but if you don’t have close friends or family to lean on, check the web. From Black women’s and widows’ empowerment groups to “Tuesday’s children” who help families affected by terrorism, military conflict or mass violence, you might find a group that’s right for you. “If not,” Bost says, “Consider starting your own group-a peer group.”
If you find it difficult to receive help, “Think back to when a friend is dealing with bereavement or other forms of life crisis and how much you want to help them,” Horn advises. Once you feel stronger, give the help.
“On days when you really feel like you can’t move from the couch or the bed, set yourself the smallest goal imaginable,” Horn advises. Maybe it means taking a walk, or maybe just taking a shower.
“Some days you feel like you’re stepping forward,” says Hone. “Some days you feel like you’re getting knocked down and going backwards. Making an active effort to show some self-compassion to yourself can make it a lot easier to get through those tough days, she added.
If you have a friend who is grieving, accept that you will not be able to take away their pain, “Just be there for them,” suggests Bost, “And you don’t have to say much more than ‘I’m sorry. ‘”. But as time goes on, you can invite them out and they start to move around the world again.”
In a time of chaos, rituals can help us feel grounded. For example, a 2021 study in the September issue of the Journal of pain and symptom management found that small actions — reading poetry or lighting candles — helped health care workers cope with patients’ grief after they died. If lighting candles isn’t your thing, choose another way to express your sadness that feels right to you.
Binary thinking — you have to be either happy or sad, unless you forget the people you’ve lost, “Your accountant can think in absolute terms, but it certainly doesn’t apply to sadness,” says Bost.
“Focus on finding a new purpose in life,” Boss said. “You will always remember your loved ones, but the goal is to find meaning in your loss-a new hope.”
Villegas is trying. Participating in online groups like Covid Survivors for change has helped. She also started a nonprofit organization to help underprivileged children pay for martial arts training, “And whenever there was a problem, Robert always said, ‘keep going, ‘ so, it will be going forward to the hedge fund “Trying to help people bring some purpose to Robert’s life.”
